Saint Joseph Parish
$1,302.00 from the envelopes and $118.00 from the plate. Thank you.
When one deducts from the sum of these two figures, $1,420.00 the parish's weekly financial obligation to the Diocese, i.e. assessments, $410.08 plus the weekly premiums for property and liability insurance, $160.01, the sum of which is $570.09, plus its weekly obligation to All Saints School, $941.06 the sum total of which is $1,511.15, one sees that ($91.15) of this collection is available for operating the parish. This is a deficit!

Saint Francis deSales Parish
$127.00 from the envelopes and $78.65 from the plate. Thank you.
When one deducts from the sum of these two figures, $205.65 the parish's weekly financial obligation to the Diocese, i.e. assessments, $46.15 plus the weekly premiums for property and liability insurance, $60.67, the sum of which is $106.82, plus its weekly obligation to All Saints School, $188.21, the sum total of which is $295.03, one sees that ($89.38) of this collection is available for operating the parish.This is a deficit!

Where do you find elephants?
It depends on where you lost them.

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
Because the white ones get dirty too fast.

Why do elephants live in herds?
To get a wholesale reduction on the blue tennis shoes.

Why do elephants float on their backs?
So they don't get their tennis shoes wet.

What goes clomp,clomp,clomp, squish,clomp,clomp,clomp, wish..?
An elephant with a wet tennis shoe!

How many elephants can you fit in a taxi?
Four. (One next to the driver and 3 in back)

How many giraffes can you fit in a taxi?
None, it's full of elephants.

How do you know when an elephant is visiting your house?
There's a taxi outside with three elephants in it.

How do you put an elephant into refrigerator?
Open door, put elephant in, close door.

How do you put a giraffe into refrigerator?
Open door, get elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Why are there so many elephants running around free in the
jungle?
Fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.

How do elephants get up into oak trees?
They sit on an acorn and wait.

How do elephants get down from oak trees?
They sit on a leaf and wait for autumn.

Why do elephants have flat feet?
From jumping out of oak trees - they're impatient!

Why do elephants wear blue tennis shoes?
To soften their landing when they jump out of oak trees.

Dear Father Connolly:
This is completely frivolous on the surface but I did find one interesting point in this story. Alex Rodriguez is a known adulterer and the story does not surprise me, but what I did find interesting was the denial by Lenny Kravitz (rock star) in which he used the word "adulterer". The fact that he used the word lends some credibility to his denial. I also like the fact that he used the proper term. Just as we said yesterday that to be anti-grammar is to be antinomian, so I think using euphemisms are also antinomian. Lenny Kravitz gets a star in my book for using the proper word.
Christopher

Dear Christopher:
Thanks for passing on this information. I agree that it is refreshing when sin is identified as such. Apparently - and thanks be to God for it - Lenny Kravitz has not committed the sin against the Holy Ghost.
Here is an interesting tidbit: Did you know that there is a sentence tattooed on Lenny Kravitz's back? Inquiring minds want to know what that sentence is!
The sentence is as follows: MY HEART BELONGS TO JESUS CHRIST.
Although no fan of tattoos, I have to admit that that particular one is kind of endearing. Inspired by Lenny, I am thinking of having a sentence tattooed on MY back. It will read as follows: JESUS CHRIST HAS MY BACK.
EBC

OLIVIA FAITH LESHER,
first child of John and Angela (Walters-Peiffer) Lesher, will be baptized today (Sunday) in St. Joseph Church.
[While Olivia Faith is John's first child, she is Angela's third child. Angela has two sons from her marriage to the late David A. Peiffer Jr.]
By means of this baptism:
Olivia Faith will be born again.
The stain of Adam's sin will be removed from her.
The promise will be given her that God will forgive her whatever personal sins she might commit, provided she turns to Him.
She becomes a daughter of God the Father, a sister of God the Son, a temple of the Holy Spirit.
She becomes eligible for eternal life.
She becomes a member of the Catholic Church, which is the Mystical Body of Christ.
We welcome Olivia Faith into the community of the redeemed. May her parents have wisdom and faith to raise her in a way that is in keeping with today's great event.

This will be the final baptism in the history of our parish.

#1 - Do you listen patiently when someone launches for the fifth time into the same tired old story or the same stale jokes?
Usually Sometimes Rarely

#2 - When people begin to gossip, do you make strenuous efforts to change the subject quickly?
Usually Sometimes Rarely

#3 - When someone insults you, do you - before you respond to the insult - call to mind how many times God has forgiven you, and then resolve to be just as forgiving?
Usually Sometimes Rarely

#4 - When you're not sure about another person's motives, do you assume that his motives are good until you have evidence otherwise?
Usually Sometimes Rarely

#5 - Do you make efforts to be reconciled with persons who have wronged you?
Usually Sometimes Rarely

#6 - Do you try to suppress those sarcastic remarks that leap into your mind?
Usually Sometimes Rarely

#7 - When others anger you, do you start praying for them immediately, before you find yourself brooding about how they've wronged you?
Usually Sometimes Rarely

#8 - Are you as polite to the members of your own family as you are to strangers?
Usually Sometimes Rarely

Give yourself two points for each "Usually", one point for each "Sometimes" and, of course, zero points for each "Rarely".

Your Score

14 - 16
Wow! You are really kind! Would it be okay with you if I stop in to talk with you once in a while? I could use a few pointers.
10 - 12
Well, I would say that you are pretty kind. You're not a candidate for canonization yet, but you might be on the way.
6-8
You could be worse, but you must admit you could be a whole lot better.
2-4
Would I be correct if I were to guess that people sometimes look the other way when you walk into the room?
0
May I respectfully suggest that you check yourself into a Kindness Rehab Center? Better yet, go find a competent spiritual director and do whatever he tells you.

P.S.
#1 - If the thought comes into your head that the priest who put this test into the parish bulletin has a lot of chutzpah, because he himself is very unkind and ought to take the beam out of his own eye before trying to remove the specks from his parishioners' eyes, please deduct four points from your final score, because that is very unkind!
#2 - If you did poorly in this Kindness Test, please do not take it unkindly.

THE FINAL FIRST HOLY COMMUNION

MARIA CHRISTINA GONTIS, a daughter of James and Eva (Zemanek) Gontis, received the Holy Eucharist for the first time. For St. Joseph Parish, it was "a last time". This milestone event took place on Friday, 4 July 2008, in St. Joseph Church, during the 12:05 p.m. Mass. It was the First Friday of the month of July.
What is the Holy Eucharist?
The Holy Eucharist is the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus Christ under the appearances of bread and wine.
The beautiful body and soul of this young girl, which had become the dwelling place of God the Third Person at the time of her baptism, have now become likewise the dwelling place of God the Second Person.
When God the Holy Spirit made His initial descent upon Maria a few years ago at St. Francis deSales Church, He did so in order to prepare her for the coming of God the Son.
Reception of the Holy Eucharist is a complement to the reception of Baptism.
God now dwells in Maria Christina not only in His Divine Nature but also in His Human Nature.
He wants to take her humanity and unite it to His own humanity.

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May God bless and preserve in His love all who have ever made their First Holy Communion in St. Joseph Church or in St. Francis deSales Church. Indeed, may God bless and preserve in His love all those thousands and thousands of persons who - since 1842 in the case of St. Joseph Church or 1921 in the case of St. Francis deSales Church - ever received the Lord Jesus into their hearts in our dear little churches.

Walking directions from the St. Joseph Parish Parking Lot
The St. Joseph Parish Parking Lot is located at Fourth Street and Schuylkill Avenue. Walk out of the lot onto Fourth Street (not Schuylkill Avenue). As you do so, turn right and follow the force of gravity as it pulls you north on Fourth. Briefly contemplate the fact that "north" rhymes with "Fourth". Come to a complete halt at Howard Avenue. Trucks come rolling out of Mr. Yuengling's Brewery, and it would not look good in your obituary if it were noted that you went back to God as a result of being hit by a beer truck. Details like that can be misconstrued and could even put your canonization on indefinite hold. Having looked every which way, cross diagonally onto the southeast corner of Fourth and Howard and continue to obey the Law of Gravity as it takes you a few more yards right into the walkway that leads you to the side door of St. Patrick Church. Walk in, genuflect and find yourself a pew. Don't act weird or shy or apologetic. Act like you belonged there all your life! St. Patrick's is very fortunate to have you.

Driving directions from the St. Francis deSales Parish Parking Lot
The St. Francis deSales Parish Parking Lot is located between the church and the (former) Mount Carbon Brewery. As you back out of the lot - and we caution you to be very attentive to the traffic on Main Street as you do so - turn the steering wheel in such a way that your vehicle is pointing East. You will know you are pointing east if the church is now on your Right.

Please note:
We depend on the BAA Office in Allentown for updates. We do not receive this information with maximum promptness. It is quite possible that your name is not on this list, even though it should be. If that be so, please let us know.

CHARLES A. TAMBURELLI (known to one and all as "Chick") would like everyone to know that he is available to sing for weddings and funerals.
With that in mind, he asked me to let everyone know his telephone number:

As I have often pointed out to Mr. Tamburelli, he is MUCH older than I am. Therefore - and I realize this it is somewhat indelicate (and even foolhardy) for me to say this - the actuarial tables indicate that he will probably kick the bucket before I do. Mr. Tamburelli is a former insurance agent and he knows all about actuarial tables! However, I would like it to be known that, just in case the Lord decides not to observe chronological order and calls me to my final reward before He calls him, I hereby invite Chick to sing Panis Angelicus at my funeral.

THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE to say a few things before shutting down this bulletin. It is at times like this that the words don't flow as freely as they might at other times. What do I want to say? Here are a few things:
#1 - I have been doing my best over the past few months to avoid being maudlin about the closing of the parishes. I saw the iceberg warnings years ago. I wasn't certain that I would still be the Captain of the Titanic at the time the berg would pierce the hull, but I suspected I would be and, as it turns out, I am. With that metaphor in mind, I have resigned myself to God's Difficult Will. I think the closing of the parishes is His permissive will, as opposed to His ideal Will. However, such theological matters are too weighty to deal with now - and we would probably never come to agreement on it anyway. One way or the other, I figured it would be wrong of me to do or say anything that would stir up discontent, fear or panic among the crew or the passengers. My vision of being a good pastor in these circumstances is standing bravely on the deck and sinking into the waves while the band plays "Nearer, My God, to Thee".
#2 - With all my heart, mind, soul and strength, I believe in God.
I trust God absolutely and without reservation. I believe in Jesus and His Holy Mother. I believe in the One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church.
#3 - I am grateful beyond words to God that He allowed me to be a priest.
I consider it a great privilege to have been pastor of St. Joseph Parish for the past twenty-two years and of St. Francis deSales Parish for the past nineteen years. I love the people of my two parishes. I assure them that I shall never forget them. I look forward to seeing all of them in Heaven.
#4 - I ask forgiveness of those whom I have offended over the course of the years. I assure those who might possibly have offended me that I have long since gladly forgiven them and - in all honesty - have probably contracted amnesia about it!
And, finally, here come #5: