Saint Joseph Parish: $1,722.00 from the Sunday envelopes; $103.00 from the second collection (plate); $115.00 from the Dues envelopes; $169.00 from the Block envelopes; $257.00 from the loose. Thank you.

Saint Vincent DePaul Parish: $847.00 from the Sunday envelopes; $141.00 from the second collection (plate); $107.00 from the loose. Thank you.

I THOUGHT ABOUT SCATTERING THESE PUNS AROUND IN THE BULLETIN BUT, ON SECOND THOUGHT, DECIDED TO PUT THEM ALL ON ONE PAGE, SO YOU CAN FEEL FREE TO IGNORE THEM, IF YOU WISH.

We all know that King Arthur had a round table. But do you know the name of the roundest knight at the Round Table?
It was Sir Cumference!
He got so round because he ate so much pi.

I know an Eskimo who lives on one of those islands off the coast of Alaska. He went to medical school and became an eye doctor.
Some people think he is an optical Aleutian.

My old girl friend had a humble job working in a whiskey distillery, but I loved her still!

An algebra teacher confiscated a rubber-band pistol from a boy in class. The boy got detention because he was in possession of a weapon of math disruption.

Always remember: No matter how much you push the envelope, it will always remain stationery.

Did you hear about the dog that gave birth to puppies on the side of the highway? She was cited for littering!

A disgruntled former employee threw a grenade into a linoleum factory in Paris.
The result was Linoleum Blown Apart!

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow, but what about fruit flies?
Fruit flies like a banana.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other, 'You stay here. I'll go on a head.'

I was standing at the plate and wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to an emergency room.
The doctor decided to keep him overnight to see if he would pass the coins.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Did you hear about the short fortune-teller who escaped from prison? The police report said that there was a small medium at large.

I know a man who was subjected to mustard gas and pepper spray while he was in the service.
He is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts.
In a feudal state, it's your count that votes.

A missionary priest arrived on a South Pacific island and asked the natives if they had any religion at all. The chief said, "Well, we did get a taste of religion the last time one of you guys visited."

PAUL NEWMAN died on Friday, 26 September 2008. He was 83 years old.

A few stray thoughts prompted by his death:
May God be merciful to him and grant him eternal life. He was, indisputably, a great actor. I hope he made the cut for a role in that spectacular drama that will open when the Son of Man returns from conferring with the Ancient One. Most of all, I hope that he showed up to try out for a role. Those who show up usually get a part, even if it's just a walk-on.
I remember when I first saw Cool Hand Luke. It was in 1967. I was a young priest just assigned to teaching high school. I remember conversations in what was called "the Male Faculty Room" about "Luke" - and I don't mean the Gospel of! We teachers would look for excuses to say to our students, "What we've got here is failure to communicate!" In the context of a high school, there are abundant opportunities to quote this great line! Some of the faculty-room conversation, especially among the priest-teachers, would be about "how Cool Hand Luke was really a Christ figure". It was considered intellectual and cool, back in those simple days, to be able to claim that certain characters in certain plays and movies and novels were "Christ figures".
As time went by, I cooled a bit on Paul Newman. Not on his acting but on his leftwing activism. For example, I always used to make it a point not to buy Mr. Newman's salad dressing ("Newman's Own"). Why? Glad you asked! Because he had made it known that the profits from his salad-dressing enterprise would go to various (mostly left-wing) causes of his choice, including Planned Parenthood! Then, one fine day, he announced that he had removed Planned Parenthood from the list of beneficiaries of his largesse. I thought that was greatly to his credit. So, I removed Paul's salad dressing from my list of "products to be avoided if at all possible". I was never quite certain why Mr. Newman soured on Planned Parenthood. Maybe he noticed me passing up his salad dressing when I would go to the supermarket. Then, again, maybe not.
One of Paul's best known lines was his answer to the question about whether he was ever tempted to be unfaithful to his wife, Joanne Woodward. Newman famously responded, "I have steak at home. Why go out for hamburger?"
This was considered by many to be a great compliment to Joanne and, as such, to be a model of "right thinking" for married men everywhere!
I beg to differ.
Why? Well, it's like this. It's a lousy way for a man to speak about his wife or about women in general. Any wife who considers it a compliment ought to have her head examined.
If you think about it, it implies that, if a man has hamburger at home, he is justified in going out for steak. Well, I won't get into that. It is a stupid and vile way of speaking about the relationship of husband and wife. Some men stay fourteen between the ears all their lives.
I'm hoping that Paul came to greater wisdom as the years passed and as he experienced the great sadness of losing his only son, Scott, to a drug overdose and, much later on, as the cancer started to eat away at him. Age and the experience of the sudden death of a child and the ravages of cancer are sometimes God's instruments for purging out foolishness and imparting wisdom.
May God have mercy on Paul Newman. May the perpetual light shine upon him. May he rest in peace. Amen.

Fact: Senator Obama is a co-sponsor of the "Freedom of Choice Act".

Note: The "Freedom of Choice Act" is a bill that would make partial-birth abortion legal again, provide for taxpayer funding of abortion, and invalidate virtually all state and federal limitations on abortion, such as parental notification laws.

Quote: "I have consistently advocated for reproductive choice and will make preserving women's rights under Roe v. Wade a priority as President."

Note: The partial-birth abortion procedure - used from the fifth month on - involves pulling a living baby feet-first out of the uterus, except for the head, puncturing the skull and suctioning out the brain. The great majority of partial-birth abortions are performed on healthy babies of healthy mothers.

Quote: "I am extremely concerned that [Gonzales v. Carhart] will embolden state legislatures to enact further measures to restrict a woman's right to choose, and that the conservative Supreme Court justices will look for other opportunities to erode Roe v. Wade."

Note: "Gonzales v. Carhart" is the April 2007 Supreme Court decision upholding the constitutionality of the federal Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act signed by President George W. Bush.

Fact: Senator Obama's campaign has stated that he "does not support" the Hyde Amendment, which prohibits taxpayer funding of abortion through the Medicaid program.

Fact: Senator Obama voted against legislation in the Illinois State Senate that prohibited taxpayer dollars from being used to pay for abortion.

Fact: Senator Obama voted to block a bill that would have required an abortionist to notify at least one parent before performing an abortion on a minor girl from another state.
Protecting Abortion Survivors
Fact: Senator Obama voted three times against a bill in the Illinois State Senate that would have provided protection for babies who survive abortions equal to protection received by babies who are spontaneously born prematurely.

Fact: Senator McCain voted to oppose Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court decision that allows abortion for any reason.
Quote: "….We would be better off by having Roe v. Wade return to the states….I don't believe the…..Court should be legislating in the way that they did on Roe v. Wade."

Note: The partial-birth abortion procedure - used from the fifth month on - involves pulling a living baby feet-first out of the uterus, except for the head, puncturing the skull and suctioning out the brain. The great majority of partial-birth abortions are performed on healthy babies of healthy mothers.

Fact: Senator McCain voted for the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act.

Quote: "Today's Supreme Court ruling [in Gonzales v. Carhart] is a victory for those who cherish the sanctity of life."

Note: "Gonzales v. Carhart" is the April 2007 Supreme Court decision upholding the constitutionality of the federal Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act signed by President George W. Bush.

Fact: Senator McCain voted in favor of the Hyde Amendment, which prohibits taxpayer funding of abortion through the Medicaid program.
Fact: Senator McCain has voted consistently against taxpayer funding of abortion.

Fact: Senator McCain voted to support a bill that would have required an abortionist to notify at least one parent before performing an abortion on a minor girl from another state.

Fact: Senator McCain voted for legislation that provides protection for babies who survive abortions equal to protection received by babies who are spontaneously born prematurely.

THE BANNS OF MARRIAGE are proclaimed for the third time between Daniel Patrick Devaney, a member of St. Joseph Parish, Girardville, and Rachel Michelle Heintzelman, also a member of St. Joseph Parish, Girardville. If anyone is aware of any reason these two persons ought not be joined in sacramental marriage, let him or her present such reason to the Bishop or to the pastor.
We anticipate, God willing, that Daniel and Rachel will become husband and wife this coming Saturday.

BLESSING OF THE BEASTS!
Bring your cat, dog, gerbil, kangaroo, ferret, cockatoo, tarantula, gorilla, gecko, aardvark, velociraptor or other favorite beast to the "back yard" of St. Vincent dePaul Rectory next Saturday - 4 October, the Memorial of St. Francis of Assisi, at 12:00 noon. We shall invoke God's blessing on all members of the Animal Kingdom that are assembled there.
There is no charge, of course. However, if anyone cares to make a donation, we will accept it on behalf of a local animal humane society.

The Elephant in the Room:
Hope does not disappoint

by Rick Santorum
--- first appeared in
The Philadelphia Inquirer
25 September 2008 ---

Twelve years ago tomorrow I led an unsuccessful effort to override President Clinton's veto of the Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act, which banned a late-term abortion procedure that pro-choice forces argued was necessary to terminate pregnancies that had gone awry. Sen. Dianne Feinstein defined "awry" as "fetuses with severe birth defects . . . fetuses with no eyes, ears, mouths, legs or kidneys."
Because of Sarah Palin's son Trig, who has Down syndrome , America is now aware that more than 90 percent of children with significant birth defects are aborted, often late in pregnancy.
Over the past few months, several personal experiences have led me to ponder how I and our country should see these imperfect children.
Four months ago, Karen and I were blessed with our eighth child, Bella, who three days later was diagnosed with Trisomy 18, a syndrome with a mortality rate of more than 90 percent in the first year. I subsequently discovered that a friend's 12-year-old son, Brendan, who also had Down syndrome, had a reoccurrence of leukemia. Then, two weeks ago, a friend's father performed a heroic act to save the life of his 20-year-old son with Down syndrome. And 12 years ago next week, our family will commemorate the date when we were told that Karen's fourth pregnancy had gone "awry."
I've recalled Condoleezza Rice's remarks at the National Prayer Breakfast: "American slaves used to sing, 'Nobody knows the trouble I've seen - Glory Hallelujah!' Growing up, I would often wonder at the seeming contradiction contained in this line. I believe this same message is found in the Bible in Romans 5, where we are told to 'rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not disappoint.' "
Amen.
This May, as our family was trying to come to grips with the news about our newborn baby, our priest told us of visiting our friends' son Brendan at the hospital before his chemotherapy treatment. Brendan didn't want the treatment because he knew it would make him very sick. Father told him he was not alone in his suffering, that another child like him, our daughter, was struggling in intensive care. Brendan said: "I'll do it and give up my suffering for Bella."
At the Republican Convention, I watched little Trig Palin "wave" to the crowd, have his hair spit shined by his big sister Piper, and have an emotional mom pledge solidarity with parents of special kids.
We all glimpsed both the joy and the difficulty of having a disabled child.
Thomas VanderWoude, 66, was working in the yard with his youngest son, Joseph. "Josie" fell though a piece of metal that covered a small opening to their septic tank. VanderWoude jumped into the six-foot deep tank and pushed his unconscious heavier son from below to keep Josie's head above the muck. After some 15 minutes rescue workers pulled them both out. Only Josie survived.
I keep thinking of the Christian narrative of the Savior jumping into the squalor of this world to suffer an ignominious death to lift up and save our defective souls.
And 12 years ago, Karen and I discovered via ultrasound halfway through the pregnancy that our baby had a fatal birth defect. We knew we could not end our suffering by ending his life, so instead of giving him a death sentence, we gave him a name, Gabriel Michael.
Despite the best medical care, he died shortly after his birth. Karen's book, Letters to Gabriel, chronicled her struggle. It turned out that her book and the story of Gabriel's life have saved many lives and comforted many parents.
In a country where some politicians now promise to end suffering, and where our usefulness seems to be measured in dollars, these special individuals stand as complex, mysterious contradictions from a loving God.
They remind us that it is not just our capacity to achieve, but our capacity for sacrificial love that will change the character of America for the good. And that character will inspire true hope - and that hope does not disappoint.

Rick Santorum is a former U.S. Senator from Pennsylvania