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WE SHARE THE MAIL
The following is an email I received recently from a young man
I know who is a senior in college, followed by my reply to same.
I am omitting the young mans name. Otherwise, everything is verbatim.
I am re-printing it here because I think it is relevant to more
than one young couple and because the principles I enunciate
have a broad application.
Hi Father Connolly,
I hope everything is well. I have been in a relationship with
a young lady for a little over two months now. Everything seems
perfect and as it should be. We know everything about each other
and are truly in love. I like to think that we are both mature
adults, share the same values and have the same goals for our
future together. Occasionally, we discuss the eventuality of
marriage, and both of us do not find it awkward or unnatural.
It seems as though it is the right thing to do, but we often
consider the brief amount of time we have been together and the
timeliness of the decision (since we will both be graduating
from college this Spring). More so, we wonder about the opinions
of others and the possible financial ramifications.
What are your thoughts on the matter? Would you be concerned
about us rushing into things? Would it be more practical to not
think about such things this early on in our relationship, even
though everything seems perfect?
God Bless,
XXXXXX
Dear XXXXXX:
Nice to hear from you.
It is no surprise whatsoever for me to hear that a young man
your age (21, I presume) is interested enough in a young woman
that he would be thinking of marriage.
This is entirely within the realm of what is natural and ordinary
and anticipated!
I say (without intending to be humorous, although it might sound
humorous): Thank God that XXXXXX is attracted to a woman! This
just proves that he is a healthy, normal male human being! Beyond
that, thank God that XXXXXX is thinking of marriage! Marriage
is a noble and God-ordained relationship! Im all in favor of
it!
I am a believer in young love (although not ridiculously
young). Unlike some other persons who set themselves up as counselors
of the young I do NOT discourage people your age from getting
married. Like most general statements, this statement needs to
be qualified. Let me make some qualifications:
Qualification #1: The man and the woman are psychologically stable
and neither one has any history of drug or alcohol abuse.
Qualification #2: They have been going together for at least one year,
during which they have been with one another in a variety of
situations: (a) alone; (b)
in the company of his family; (c) in the company
of her family; (d) in the company of his friends;
b in the company of her friends.
Qualification #3: Neither one is on the rebound, i.e. trying to get
over a break-up from a serious previous relationship.
Qualification #4: Both are striving for chastity. This is, obviously,
the most delicate area for a third party like me to discuss in
an email. It is better discussed face-to-face and one-on-one.
For now, Ill summarize it this way: Sexual (genital) interchange
between a man and a woman who are not married to one another
does immense psychological damage to the relationship and it
impedes ones freedom of choice. (Needless to say, it is also
sinful.)
Qualification #5: Both parties are firmly committed to the thesis that
marriage is: (a) indissoluble, i.e. permanent;
(b) faithful; (c) meant to
culminate in children (barring unforeseen circumstances).
Qualification #6: The two parties share a common set of ideals and
values. It is highly desirable that the two parties share the
same religious beliefs. (Is your friend a Catholic or, if not,
is she open to the possibility of becoming a Catholic?)
Qualification #7: The parents of the two parties have no reasonable
objection to the marriage. (This is said on the presumption that
no one knows a person better than his or her parents and also
on the presumption that the parents are persons who have a track
record of common sense.)
Qualification #8: The young man has gainful employment and is able,
at the beginning of the marriage, to provide for himself and
his wife the necessities of life: food, shelter, transportation,
insurance, etc. This does not mean that he is able to provide
for her the same high standard of living the two of them were
accustomed to during their growing-up years. Getting into debt
in order to provide for a high standard of living at the beginning
of a marriage is a sure-fire way to disaster.
So, bottom line: I would say that I am in favor of XXXXXX and
his friend entering into serious discussion about the possibility
of marriage but with the qualifications cited!
Keep in touch.
By the way, whats the ladys name?
With kindest regards
Fr. Edward B. Connolly |
Saturday, 19 December