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THE FOLLOWING Q&A appeared in
the Pottsville Republican (and in newspapers nationwide) on 16
July 2011. As in the past, I like to take my own crack at answering
some of Dear Abby’s mail and, indirectly, “Dear Abby”
herself!
DEAR ABBY: We
are progressive parents, but conservative about social issues.
We have a problem on which we disagree and we have agreed to
abide by your answer. Our three children are all in high school.
Our older daughter has a good friend -- a boy who is gay. We
like him very much and he has visited our home many times. However,
our daughter would like to invite him to a sleepover, as she
does with her girlfriends. Is it appropriate for a teenage girl
to have a gay boyfriend on a sleepover?
PUZZLED PARENTS IN THE NORTHWEST DEAR PUZZLED
PARENTS:
I see no reason why an "out"
gay teenage boy shouldn't attend your daughter's sleepover. Their
relationship is the same as the ones she has with her girlfriends.
ABBY
DEAR PUZZLED PARENTS:
Please consider the following as a “second opinion”
given in answer to your question.
I’ll get to the bottom line right away: No, it is not
appropriate for a teenage girl to have a teenage boy on a sleepover.
Whether the boy has declared himself “straight” or
“gay” is not relevant to the question as to whether
or not he should be invited.
Some reasons that occur to me are the following:
(a) The boy whom you call “gay” is probably
an unhappy boy. He is probably the butt of jokes at his school
and in his neighborhood. You might say that he should not
be the butt of cruel jokes. I agree with you. No one ought
to be the butt of cruel jokes! But we have to deal with the world
as it is. Adolescent boys are immensely protective of (often
insecure about) their masculinity. (So are some “adolescent
men”!) The presence of an openly homosexual peer in their
midst stirs up within them feelings of uneasiness and disdain,
sometimes even rage. We must not do anything to inflame these
feelings. If boys find out that another boy has attended a girls’
sleepover, this will pour gasoline on the flames. Teenage boys
do not often possess that kind of virtue that will prevent them
from translating their negative feelings into anti-social, even
violent actions.
(b) It is very likely that the boy is effeminate in his
mannerisms and preferences. Too often, effeminacy is mistaken
for homosexuality, even by the subject himself. There are many
men who appear to be effeminate who are thoroughly heterosexual.
Conversely, there are many men who appear to be macho who are
distinctly homosexual in their leanings. It is quite possible
that the boy is heterosexual but effeminate.
(c) Regardless of his psychological make-up, the boy
you are referring to is, I presume, thoroughly masculine in his
physical make-up. I presume he has all of the equipment that
is appropriate to a boy his age. Biology and physiology cannot
be denied. The boy is a member of the male gender! If I had a
teenage daughter, I would not permit her to sleep (and use bathroom
facilities) in close and unguarded proximity to an unrelated
male. Neither, I think, would you, if you were thinking with
all cylinders working.
(d) If the gender situation were reversed, i.e. if you
had a teenage son (straight) who wanted to camp out overnight
in a tent in the backyard with “a bunch of guys”, would
you be okay with his inviting a girl from school who had declared
herself to be a “lesbian”? Sauce for the goose being
sauce for the gander, I think you would have to approve
of this if you were to approve of the situation described in
your letter.
(e) The greatest favor you could do for this boy —
the one who says that he is “gay” — is to treat
him as what he is, viz. a boy, a boy who will soon be
a man. It is always the right thing to treat people according
to the Objective Truth. The Objective Truth in this case is that
he is a BOY! It would be an Objective Untruth to treat him as
if he were a GIRL! If this boy feels like a girl, I feel
sad for him. I would not do anything to confirm him in this illusion.
Treat him always with kindness, but treat him as you would treat
any boy. You describe yourselves as “progressive”.
Okay! But please remember that homosexuality is regressive! Pray
for him. |
Saturday,
30 July
